Alright, let’s talk about puttin’ down them fancy lookin’ floors, the ones they call laminate, yeah, like volleyball court floors, but for sleepin’ on, or walkin’ I guess. And somethin’ about wood under ’em, sleepers they call ’em, like the floor’s takin’ a nap, ha!

First off, you gotta figure out what you’re puttin’ this floor on. Is it that cold, hard concrete stuff? Or is it bumpy and uneven like my old garden path? If it’s concrete, it’s kinda like makin’ a bed for the floor, gotta make it soft and level. These “sleepers”, they’re like the bed frame, gotta lay ’em down nice and straight. Think of it like buildin’ a little wooden road for the floor to rest on.

Now, these sleepers, they gotta be sturdy, like my old oak table, not that flimsy stuff they sell at the big store. You gotta screw ’em down good, and maybe even glue ’em, just like when the grand kids try to fix their toys, the more glue the better, right? Make sure they don’t wiggle around, a shaky floor is a grumpy floor, just like my old man after too much moonshine.

Puttin’ Down the Sleepers

• Get yourself some good wood, not that particle board junk.
• Lay ’em out straight, use a string if you gotta, like hangin’ laundry, gotta be straight.
• Screw ’em down tight, don’t be shy with them screws.
• If it feels wobbly, add more sleepers, ain’t nothin’ wrong with extra support.

Okay, so you got your sleepers all laid out, lookin’ all strong and sturdy. Now comes the floor itself. They say you can put this laminate stuff over just about anythin’, even that old hardwood floor your husband loved so much, but it was always creakin’ anyway, probably got termites. But this new stuff, they say it’s easy to put down, even I could probably do it, and I ain’t no spring chicken.

Some of this floor stuff, it comes with its own cushion, like a built-in mattress, fancy, huh? If it don’t, you might gotta get some of that underlay stuff, it’s like puttin’ down a blanket before you put down the sheets. Makes it softer and quieter, so you don’t wake up the whole house when you get up for a midnight snack.

Lay It Down

This laminate stuff, it snaps together, like puzzle pieces, but way easier. My grand kids could probably do it, blindfolded. You start in one corner and just work your way across the room. Make sure you leave a little space around the edges, ’cause the floor likes to breathe, ya know? It expands and contracts, like my waistline after Thanksgiving.

You might need to cut some pieces to fit around doors and stuff, get yourself a good saw, and be careful, don’t want to lose a finger, you need those to pinch your grand kids cheeks.

Keep It Steady

As you’re puttin’ it down, make sure it’s all snug and tight, no gaps, no bumps. You can use a block of wood and a hammer to tap it into place, gently though, don’t go breakin’ it. Just like persuadin’ a stubborn mule, gentle but firm.

And that’s about it. Once you get the hang of it, it goes pretty quick. Before you know it, you got yourself a brand new floor, looks like a million bucks, but didn’t cost near that much. And you did it yourself, ain’t nothin’ better than that, makes you feel like you could build a whole darn house, not just put down a floor.

Final Touches

Once you’re done laying it all down, you gotta put on those edge thingies, they call ’em baseboards or somethin’, to cover up the gaps around the walls. And that’s it! You got yourself a floor strong enough to play volleyball on…well maybe not, but it’ll sure look pretty.

Important Reminders

• Read the instructions, even if you think you know what you’re doin’
• Measure twice, cut once, that’s what my grandpa always said.
• Don’t be afraid to ask for help, even the best of us need a hand sometimes.
• Take your time, ain’t no rush, unless the in-laws are comin’ over.

Now go on and get yourself a new floor, you deserve it!