Alright, let’s talk about puttin’ down them laminate floors, you know, the kind that looks like wood but ain’t. My old man, he used to say, “If you gonna do somethin’, do it right, even if it’s just sweepin’ the porch.” So, that’s how we gonna tackle this floor.

First off, you gotta get that floor ready. What they call the “subfloor,” I think. Anyways, it gotta be clean, real clean. No dirt, no nothin’. Sweep it good, maybe even vacuum it, if you got one of them fancy things. And it gotta be flat, too. If it ain’t flat, your floor gonna be all bumpy and wobbly, and nobody wants that, right?

Now, if you got bumps or holes in that subfloor, you gotta fix ’em. If it’s concrete, you get that stuff they call “patchin’ compound.” Looks like mud, but it dries hard. If it’s wood, well, hammer down them nails that stickin’ out and maybe get a new board if one’s all busted up. It’s like patchin’ a hole in your pants, gotta make it strong again.

Okay, floor’s ready. Now for the wooden flooring itself. These newfangled ones, they click together. Like, they got a tongue and a groove, you stick ’em together, and they snap. My old man, he used to nail them down, one by one. Took him forever. These click ones, they much faster. But you still gotta be careful, make sure they lined up right, or you gonna have gaps, and that ain’t pretty.

So, you start in a corner, the biggest corner, and work your way across. Like plantin’ corn, you start in one spot and go row by row. And make sure you go the long way of the room. Unless the room is funny shaped, then you gotta figure out what looks best. Use your head, you know? It ain’t rocket science.

• Clean the subfloor real good.
• Fix any bumps or holes.
• Start in the biggest corner.
• Click them boards together, nice and tight.

Now, sometimes things go wrong. That’s life, ain’t it? You might get a board that don’t wanna click, or you might cut one wrong. Don’t panic. Take a deep breath, and figure it out. If a board don’t click, maybe it’s got some dirt in the groove, or maybe it’s just a bad board. If you cut one wrong, well, you might have to use it somewhere else, or maybe just get a new one. Waste not, want not, but sometimes you gotta waste a little.

And don’t forget about the edges. You gotta leave a little space ‘round the walls, ’cause that floor gonna move a little bit, when it gets hot and cold. They got these little spacer thingies you can use, or you can just use some scraps of wood, whatever works. Just don’t jam that floor right up against the wall, or it’s gonna buckle.

When you get to the end, you gonna have to cut some boards to fit. Measure twice, cut once, that’s what they say. And be careful with that saw, don’t wanna lose a finger. Once all the boards are down, you put on the baseboards, that covers up the edges and makes it look nice. And there you go, a brand new floor! Just like dancin’ across that new floor with your engineer buddy, smooth and easy, if that buddy knows how to assemble it right!

Remember, takin’ your time is important. It ain’t a race. Do it right, and that floor will last you a long time. And if you mess up, well, it ain’t the end of the world. Just fix it and move on. That’s what my old man always said, “It ain’t about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up.” So get to assembling that flooring, engineer or not.